rhod v. nuncio
Nobody can tell the deepest fear one has nor bring out certainty from that because of the obscurity that fear instills in every heart. This is, I presume, what I meant by the shadow. The shadow is the embodiment of our fears—the scariest counterpart of man’s sensibility—that transgresses the domain of reason, or more so of rationality. And because reason cannot capture our fear we suddenly find refuge to entertain its bothersome ‘existence’ in other inexplicable discourse. In fact, it is true that we need to have a conversation with someone or to something that might or indeed bring us into light. But a conversation with a ‘shadow’ can be as futile as welcoming fear to reign over us. But who could deny that? It is perhaps in this way that we can defeat futility and fear altogether.
What do I mean by a shadow? by having a shadow? by living with a shadow? It could be well surmised that one characteristic of this phenomenon is its inevitability and its inseparability with us and even with inanimate objects. Yet the shadow is more relevant with human beings, for it so mimics the intricate acts of man. Just like our own fear, for it is also inseparable with human nature, with our ‘nature’. Fear as shadow, resides in the subliminal consciousness of man. It imitates our weaknesses, inferiorities and imperfections. That is why we would like to escape and run away from this ‘fear’. One fear that I certainly want to hide from is the fear of/from failure. I would say that because I am a dreamer and at the same time a vigilant visionary of life, it is reasonable at the outset to shun all possibilities of failure. No matter what I pursue, in every direction I go I tend to ignore first failure because otherwise it will eat me from inside. A vision of failure is a self-destruct mechanism from a dreamer like me. But what surprises me most is that my failure makes me all the more a dreamer. How ironic! Maybe this is how strange I handle my life and yet from this fear I still manage to see the beauty of it all. Maybe my failures are illusions of my dream. Or perhaps just like a ‘shadow’, it unceasingly binds in me. However whatever it may, I must recognize that this fear of failure is all encompassing, prevalent and powerful. I consider this as a fact of experience. In a bleak perspective, one would even say that life indeed is a failure. Then who could not ever fear that?
Because of the ever powerful and all encompassing nature of fear in man, it proves then how it dictates and controls us. This is what I might call a seizure of fear that defies yielding or surrender. It insists a calling of sort, an invitation that welcomes every one of us to an open and wide arena of struggle. If one claims that he has won the battle it is only a reaction out from fear—fear that has left anyone asunder to overcome fear because of fear.
The problem now here is to apprehend fear as an entity. It could have been a power personified deflected as the other-half of our personality. Couldn’t it be? Like a master-slave relationship, it draws the line between man (fearing subject) and fear (an entity to be feared). And therefore ask: who is the puppet and the puppeteer? Fear could have been just a creation of man’s complexity. There is nothing to be feared about…it is just an illusion or a delusion to think that way. But who can judge that if fear is omnipresent like a Damocles’ sword. This kind of fear is highly intrinsic in man. In short, it is a conflict arising from within—maybe from an internal voice, from conscience – or if one believes – from the soul. For instance, I felt fear because I have done something wrong which in a way kept me bothered for quite a time. Feelings of guilt, restlessness, sleeplessness, and all other discomforts may turn into frustration, resentment, despair and depression. In one way or the other, if we look deeper and try to find the main cause of this ‘conflict’, the answer would always be ‘fear.’ Fear from what? There are many options…but my answer is this: it is fear from oneself. It may sound (it is!) trivial and paradoxical but this entity called fear is, nothing more, nothing less, the self.
The tendency I think of man is to invent endlessly an imaginary entity to divide him and to reckon all guilt, frustration and whatnot to this ‘other’ (fear). The more we push this to the limit, the more fear overcomes us and paradoxically, the least we obviously expect for we, just like hypocrites, project a person who is always in his right mind and senses, strong, fiery, unmoved and uncompromising. I mean this ‘false projection’ is not far from being the most pathetic and most miserable state of man. If fear were a human being or a quasi-being then he could be rejoicing every time we make a divided line. This leads me now to the next and final level of fear: the objectification of fear. Some people argue that they do not know themselves or say specifically, “I do not know what or who I am, and for what I am, unknowingly, capable of.” It is believed, in this context, that nobody can grasp a full understanding of oneself. There is a truth in this. Our actions are sometimes unthinkable and even more, irrational for that matter. We may never know why but I presume it is all because of fear. Again, fear emanates internally from man but the problem here is this: if we are so governed by fear then we subsequently become a prey to paranoia. Everything and everyone is a suspect including oneself. In this dilemma, paranoia moves in two ways: (1) following the previous argument, it achieves the disunity of man and fear—man as subject to fear and fear as the pronounced winner in the conflict; (2) it proceeds into a closure of this dualism by becoming fear as man or more precisely as FEAR BECOMES MAN. I guess you would know what this means in the long run?
But the critical question is this: Is paranoia also inescapable, inevitable…?
I guess not…(I think so) Man is gifted with diverse ways to explain his predicaments and to position himself in looking beyond any moment of fear and of unsuspecting paranoia. One thing for sure is that anyone, for any matter or for whatever reason, is still much bigger than his or her fear. For I speak of experience and above all these so and so, I have just played a mockery of it using my pen and paper in this conversation with myself…
Or have I not?
Bagong Puna